The difference between judging someone "good" and telling them how they make you feel. One is a verdict. The other actually reaches them.
Based on Marshall Rosenberg's Nonviolent Communication, "Expressing Appreciation".
Praise is still a judgment
Even "you're amazing" puts you in the seat of the judge.
It's a label
"You are a good person" is a static verdict about who someone is. It uses the verb "to be", as if you've weighed them and reached a ruling, and it says nothing about what they actually did.
It can feel like a transaction
Praise is often used to soften someone up, reward them, or fish for approval. People sense that, even when we don't mean it that way.
The shift
Stop describing them. Describe what happened in you. Not "you're so thoughtful" but "I felt looked after when you remembered."
The three parts of real appreciation
From Nonviolent Communication: what they did, what it met, how you feel.
What they did
The specific action, not a label. "When you texted to check I got home safe..."
What it met
The need of yours it touched. "...it met my need to feel cared about..."
How you feel
"...and I feel warm, and a little moved." You don't always need all three. Even just the feeling beats a verdict.
"You are" → "I feel"
Swap the verdict for what is actually true for you.
Instead of
"It's good to see you."
Try
"I feel happy to see you." / "Honestly, I'm a bit stunned, it's so good to see your face."
Instead of
"You're such a good friend."
Try
"I feel lucky to have you. I always leave our talks lighter than I came."
Instead of
"You're so smart."
Try
"That made something click for me. I feel less stuck now, thank you."
Instead of
"You did a great job."
Try
"I felt relieved walking in and seeing it all handled. That was a real weight off."
Why the feeling version lands deeper
It's specific, it's honest, and it can't be argued with.
It can't be waved off
Someone can dismiss "you're amazing" with "no I'm not." They can't dismiss "I felt safe with you." It's your experience, not a claim about them.
It teaches them
They learn exactly what they did that mattered, so they can choose to do it again on purpose.
It's more intimate
Telling someone how they move you is more vulnerable, and more connecting, than handing out a grade.
And how to receive one
Take a compliment without deflecting it.
Don't bounce it back
Both "oh, stop" and "well, YOU'RE the amazing one" dodge the moment and send the warmth away.
Let it land
A simple "thank you, that means a lot" is enough. If you want more, ask: "what made you say that?" and let yourself actually feel it.
Try it once today. Pick one person and tell them, specifically, how they made you feel.
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